In March We Wear Yellow

March is endometriosis awareness month, did I know this?  No, I did not.  Not until my beautiful friend Brittany sent me a link to a hilariously truthful account of endometriosis and all its "perks".  To be honest I rarely, if ever, mention my endometirosis to anyone unless I REAAALLLY know them.  But in the past telling people about my endometirosis hasn't been what I had hoped.  When you open up to someone about a struggle, a painful struggled, you've had as long as you can remember you expect more than a "oh, that sucks," but for some reason the idea that it deals with the down stairs area makes people uncomfortable so it's not talked about, and the truth is it's not cured yet, so why aren't we talking about it?

If you don't know what endo is, then it's like W.B.D.G.G...what's the big deal girl geez?  Endometriosis, as defined by the big boys at MAYO clinic, Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region.

In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together.

Endometriosis can cause pain — sometimes severe — especially during your period. Fertility problems also may develop.

Or as I casually define it: Hell hath no furry like the Uterine scorned! 

Those who deal with endometirosis deal with it EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY! The Chronic pain is exhausting, and it can go from moderate pain to drop you to your knees cursing the next.  It is an interesting way of life that hormonally imbalanced, knife jabbing, shooting needle pains down your legs and constant aching, but you look fine so get up and do something woman! 

I was officially surgically diagnosed with endo when I was in high school, but that was a long time coming.  I have had excruciatingly painful periods since the ripe old age of 9...yup, 9. After surgery I started on Lupron, or the crazy shots...6 months of a 17 year old in a drug induced menopause, that was fun for everyone.  I remember that first shot sunk in like a knife in my heart.  Although not sever with treatment, I knew endo had a possibility of preventing me from having children.  I remember sitting quietly on the piano bench in our old house as tears streamed down my face...what if?  What if I can't?  

More shots, more pills, more surgery followed, I strive and suffer every day to prepare myself, hoping and praying that all this pain since the 4th grade will be worth it, that it will all have been for something.  When I used to talk openly about my endo it was to almost justify that I may not wait a long time to have children after I got married.  But why did I feel like I had to justify that decision when it wasn't anyone else's besides mine, my husband's, and God's?  However, there is this defensive stance we take when we are questioned about things that we've fought for, things that people may not even know.  I remember telling a friend that Phill and I probably would not be waiting long because of my endo, in which she replied, "That sucks, you won't really get to have a married life with just the two of you."  I was upset by this, and I got this response a lot whenever asked about the topic, telling me to wait to have children, well guess what for some people that's not an option because it's kids now or possibly kids never.

 To me, having a baby early on in a marriage has never been a bummer, I would have welcomed those two pink lines after our first week of marriage if it meant that all my sacrifice, all my pain had achieved that ultimate goal of motherhood.  I have always wanted to be a mother, everything I have done since I was 15 years old, seeking treatment, has been to become a mother.  

Endometriosis truly should not define a person, and I feel in moments of extreme pain and doubt I have let it control me.  However, our struggles can indeed become our greatest strength and I plan on channeling all of my fight into being a blissfully happy and exhausted mother when the time comes.  

Embrace your battles, and fight like a girl. 

Bragging Rights

I feel like I need to brag.  Every girl who has found that guy should brag.  There are good men out there people and mine is one of them.  My heart is so full every day for the love of one man.  This is cheesy and personal, so if you do not like stuff like this stop reading now, you have been warned.  Phill is my anchor. Phill is my happiness. Phill is my life.  I would not be here today without him.  He gives me purpose and he gives me joy.  I remember one day when we were dating, early on in our relationship, and Phill asked me what I wanted most out of this life.  I replied simply to be happy to find happiness.  He stopped, paused for a second, and said, "no, I think you want to joy."  I thought this was an odd comment at first, aren't joy and happiness interchangeable?  As life moved on and so did we I began to feel a greater happiness, a greater love, and yes, a greater joy.

Phill fights for me every day.  When my anxiety takes me away mentally he is by my side holding me until I come back into my consciousness again asking if I am okay, and he kisses my forehead, squeezes me and says, 'yes baby, I have you, you are okay.'  I am blessed to have him by my side. He makes me feel safe. Safe from trouble, safe from trial, and even safe from myself.
  Phill and I have spent the greater part of our relationship apart, and even now we are married and it is no exception.  He lives in Logan during the week and I stay in Ogden for school.  It has been hard as we both go through the challenges of life on different schedules and feeling so alone at times. But Phill reminds me that all bad things end and there is good waiting for us, there is joy.
 I love my husband more than I could write in a million cheesy words. He has given me the greatest life, the most fulfilling and life changing love.  He has taught me patience and unconditional love.  I am blessed by his hard work and selflessness every day.

I love you.

Numbers

The same thought has been plaguing my mind all day, why do we let numbers rule how we perceive ourselves?  I got on the scale this morning and it was not pretty, but for a woman it NEVER is! We're never satisfied! After getting off I felt so worthless, so discouraged, and down right hideous.  But why? Why does a number control how we view ourselves or our worth?  Worth is not quantitative.

I walked to school still feeling self conscious and beaten down wondering why I felt like all my positive qualities melt away as the numbers on the scale go up or down or stay the same.  Is this a reflection of our society or personal insecurities?  Those who follow my blog know of my sob story past in which I was an overweight teenager in a petite loving society (if not you can read that post here).  And I've written posts similar to this before, but today the fact that a number on a scale could have me or ANYONE doubting their self worth is really eating at me.

Why do we look down on people because of their number?  Why do we judge our worth based on a number? Why do we focus on that number and not someone's gorgeous eyes, hair, face...? Even more importantly why do we disregard people because of their number? Is the number greater than a perfect personality, more than humor, wit, commitment, love, kindness? No.

So here it is.  The next time you think about your weight, negatively. Stop.  I'm going to too.  Which won't be easy, because if you are like me, you are worried about your weight 23 out of 24 hours a day.  But stop and look at your feet that you stand on. How well they support you, your legs get you where you want to go.  Don't think about size or shape, but function.  Look at your body it keeps you alive, it helps you live your amazing, beautiful (sometimes rocky) life.  Look at your face.  If you are like me there are many things about your face you want to change.  Stop. Look at your eyes admire the color, admire that they are allowing you to see this beautiful world.  Your smile and your face allows for expression of the joys and the sorrows.  With all of these things, all these beautifully positive things that our bodies do, that our bodies are, why do we focus on their number?

I am more than my number, YOU are more than your number.  Remember that!  This may seem a little flower child/inner goddess, but the truth is its hard to love your body in a society full of body obsession.  Is it important to be healthy? yes.  Is it vital to be that "magical perfect number"? NO, because it doesn't matter if you aren't kind, sweet, smart, loving, generous, courageous, or honest.  Next time you have a number that brings you down...think of the number of beautiful things that make you who you are, because its not your number.

One of my favorite authors, one of pretty much every one's favorite authors, J.K. Rowling said this:

"I’ve got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.”

I have many motivational quotes on my bathroom mirror, but this one always sticks with me the longest.  Often I catch myself thinking, when I get skinny I will... or If I were skinny I would..., Why do I feel like I need to by skinny?  The truth is we need to love ourselves...for being  more than a number.  

I know it's hard to be anyone in this body obsessed world.  We all feel the pressures every day. But life is beautiful and the things that matter don't show up on your scale every morning.  So cut yourself some slack, like I am going to try to do for myself, and....

Be more than your number, be more than societies unattainable expectation of you, be a Hermione, be you. 
  

September Bonus

I have been a bit of a blogging failure lately, but life has handed me a bucket or two of lemons over the past couple of months, and I'll be honest i got a little tired of making lemonade...But, September is my all time favorite month! It always has been, and i honestly don't know why, because there are no major events that make September particularly special.  Lately though, I've been dealt a few sweet cards, that have brought me so much peace.  If you know me, you'll know i am passionate about nature. I am always looking at the mountain, or sky. Since September started it's been a nature stalker's gold mine;) Observe:



 

Pretty Amazing right!?! I love Utah, i love it even more so in the Fall! September has been pretty sweet so far, the perks didn't stop at the scenery!

On Saturday my Aunt Natalie was puppy sitting seven 3 week old Schnauzer puppies, so we went to visit. Aren't they adorable! let's be honest puppies are just the greatest! who can be upset when you're surrounded by a bunch of puppies! Later that Saturday i was able to go up to Pickleville playhouse with some of Phill's siblings and see the Hanging of Juanito Bandito. Not going to lie it was the funniest thing i have ever seen. (sorry no pictures.)
Sunday we were visited by 3 of my favorite crazies:

These cuties are getting so big! I can't believe Ethan is getting baptized in a couple of weeks, Derrick is in first grade, and Lia is starting pre-school! They definitely have a way of making my day!

Phill only has 3 months left, I've heard the last three months are the hardest, and so far no one has lied to me...it's been crazy hard, but we're getting there. So chin up!

Final perk that has been a part of September is i changed my hair for fall! As vain or superficial as it may sound, i LOVE getting my hair done. haha. it's a little ridiculous. I went darker for fall, and it's a welcome change:)

There you have it, 2 weeks of my crazy beautiful life!

High-Fives

optimist or pessimist, it's no secret that sometimes life just sucks. But I am a firm believer that everyday there are little things sent to you to make each day bearable. Phill used to call them "high-fives from Heavenly Father." Today was a little rough, but it started out with a perk, i put on my pants this morning, ha, no that wasn't the perk even though it is an impressive feat some days. But this is what i discovered as i put my pants on this morning:

So, let's be honest when your awesome green pants remind you that God Loves You, that's quite the high-5...

As the high of any high-5 eventually wears off, as did this one, but there was another one waiting. I decided to take a run this evening, when i got home i was tired and frustrated, and missing Phill more than usual, so i put on our playlist and stared at the sky, high-5:

These events may mean nothing to all of you, but they are a divine testimony that my Father in Heaven is mindful of me and knows when i am in need of comfort.

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." John 14:18

Little Victories.

Who ever gets sick of the constant pressure to lose weight? Every one raise your hand, because i know you agree. Now, don't get me wrong, I am all for being healthy and fit, but there are times when the pressure gets ridiculous.  As I've been slowly making my way into a healthier lifestyle i have often felt so discouraged by how long it takes to change 20 years of bad habits. And to be honest, there will be habits that never change, I'm always going to love and eat chocolate when i want! fact. Just last week Celestial Brandley (Phill's sister-in-law) recruited me into a program called Fit in Six, it's a point system type competition, I was so gung-ho to do it the day it began, and then...out came the Easter candy and a few pre-final break downs and my week of healthy eating was shot to he....ck. This is the thing to remember about changing your lifestyle, you have to take babysteps or you WILL relapse!

Some people can get off stuff cold turkey and be a-okay, but between us normal people it takes a bullet proof safe to keep me away from the things i love to eat. 

My, oh so wise philosophy, is simply don't deprive yourself of things you love! Moderation of course, blah blah blah, but if you quit eating sweets or whatever your Achilles is chances are you'll binge later.

There is a thing in psychology called "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy" essentially it means if you imagine yourself doing something or being something, most likely it will happen. For example, at the beginning of my Fit in Six challenge i said to myself you are going to sabotage yourself, because you hate it when people tell you what not to eat...and i did totally sabotage myself. haha. Luckily for me i can just laugh it off, because i just don't care. The key to all this weight loss get fit madness is that you have to feel good about yourself no matter what.

You can't take care of a body you don't love, so love the skin you are in my friends! Even after I've lost a few pounds i still feel the same most days, incredibly insecure...but I have been looking at it all wrong, i have been looking at how far i "need" to go instead of how far I've come. Fit in Six is a fun little program, and I'll keep doing it just to occupy my time and make achieving a healthy lifestyle a little easier.  But i will not feel bad if i have an off day, why? because i am human and i want to enjoy life, especially the sweeter things in life. ya know what i mean;) So here is to being confident in your own skin and doing things for yourself and not for the approval of others! Celebrate the little victories, here is an example of one of my victories that i didn't realize i had won until i put this together:

Left is me in 2010, and Right is me as i am today. I lost weight without depriving myself! to me that is a victory all around;) And i didn't do it for anyone else, just for me.

This post isn't to make anyone feel bad, but to show what a completely average person, with a sweets problem,  like myself can do. It's possible. And being healthy doesn't mean giving up everything you enjoy,to me it's just adding to those things knowledge and control resulting in a happier body and a happier you!



Milestones

Most of my friends reached at least one of 3 major milestones during 2011, they either 1. got engaged 2. got married or 3. had a baby...seeing how i didn't reach any of these milestones for obvious reasons, i thought I'd shed some light on 3 milestones i did actually accomplish this past year:

Bought my 1st car





obtained my 1st college degree!
Associates of General Studies
(as did Kaitlin!)



And survived my 1st year apart from this guy!

All together 2011 was just another testament that life is beautiful! 

just a kiss

Warning: the following post contains images of lip to lip contact, if that type of connection makes you squirm then do not read this post. You have been warned. ;)

So it's New Years Eve, and among all the resolutions people are making and shortly be breaking, there is something else that comes to mind when this day approaches. "who am i going to kiss?" I'm not sure when or how New Years kisses became a thing, but I do know that most people have it on their bucket lists. ha. And you better believe i did too.

My first New Years Eve with Phill, was nothing like we had planned. We ended up "baby-sitting" his little brother Kaileb, but we were determined to still attempt to make it special/romantic. We built a fire in his back yard, and we all said movie quotes and had to guess where it came from. Snow was falling in giant flakes all round us, we had s'mores, and hot dogs (in that order) and really had an grand 'ole time ringing in 2010.  The clock struck 12 and then and there Phill and I had our first New Years kiss.



2009-2010



When December 31st rolled around the next year, Phill had been out on his mission for about a month.  So obviously no real New Years kiss took place, but i thought it would be fun if he had some sort of a kiss for New Years.  So i sent him a giant chocolate kiss with pictures of us pasted on all sides of the box, Wha-la our 2010-2011 New Years kiss.

Now, faster than i ever thought possible, it's time to ring in 2012! Every year my family has a candle light dinner on New Years Eve, we have steak and crab, and get out our fancy dishes.  This year is no exception.  Traditions are big with me, and so you better believe i didn't leave Phill "kiss-less" this New Years Eve! haha I found this idea on Pinterest, and knew i was going to use it for New Years. I sent him an example of his part of the picture and told him to send it back to me asap, it took two tries but then we finally got one that would work. All along he was pretty curious about "what the devil that picture was for" i took my part of the picture and put them together, sent it to him and ta-da here we have our 2011-2012 New Years kiss!

Phill will be home to usher in 2013 with me, and what a great year that will be!

 I hope you all have a great New Years Eve, and New Year!

Merry and Bright

Christmas Day is just hours away! (unintentional rhyme) And like everyone else I've been Christmasing all December long, with the exception of finals week , in which the only Yule Tide tradition i participated in was the banging of my head on my desk to the rhythm of Jingle Bells during study sessions.
I tried my best to get my Christmas shopping done early this year. I really hate shopping so getting it over and done with as quickly is possible is how i usually plan on shopping, and then end up going on Christmas Eve to find presents. Luckily for me, i chose to do the 12 days of Christmas for Phill this year, which forced me to be early in my shopping and sending, which also meant shorter lines at the Post-office (shorter as in an hour long wait as opposed to the typical two).  Writing about shopping is about as boring as doing it, so....moving on!

Christmas is a time for traditions, one of my absolutely favorite traditions has been going on for as long as i can remember.  Every Christmas Eve all the kids in my family would smash into my brothers' room to sleep for the night.  Once we had all settled in with our new jammies on, my mom would sit down anywhere she could find a place and read the Polar Express.  This has become one of my all time favorite books, and i completely intend on reading it to my children (that is if Grandma doesn't read it to them first).  Everything about that book is beautiful, the pictures, the story, and the message:  to believe in something!

There is more to Christmas than believing in Santa or his reindeer...it's about believing in the good of the world, the goodness of people that often gets shadowed by all the evil that takes place.  Without our sweet Savior Jesus Christ, we wouldn't have any goodness to celebrate. He is the reason for celebrating, he is joy!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

And a Incredible 2012....i know i will ;)

Attitude 'o' Gratitude

I just realized that i never posted about what i am most grateful for...how ungrateful of me! So I'll make up for it! (mostly for my own benefit)

I am thankful for my family.  We've had amazing adventures and experiences. We've had a lot of trials, but we're still together.  I'd be lost without them!  

I am thankful for my cute parents who keep us all together. They are truly selfless and i owe everything i have and am to them and their amazing support!

i am thankful for my crazy sister and sister-in-law...(and that i no longer have that hair color...i was going through a phase.haha) Kait and Kira have been great examples to me in my life!




I am thankful for my awesome brothers and all the fun times we've had hiking, rodeoing, nintendoing...(those are not real words. ha.)

Phill has by far been one my greatest blessings! In my entire life i never thought i would find someone who would treat me with so much respect and love.  I am so grateful that he chose to serve a mission and has allowed me to be a part of it as well. He has the ability to bring me joy on my worst days and make me feel important when i feel so insignificant.

He is my best friend!

I am sometimes thankful for my puppy...haha. Just kidding, i am always thankful for Indy! She always finds a way to make me laugh, despite all her obnoxious habits. She comes on drives with me and is pretty much my constant companion when i am home.

Above all else, I am thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ.  His atonement which has strengthened me and given me hope.  I would be in darkness without the hope my savior gives to me.  He lives, and He loves me.

There are so many things that i am truly grateful for! My home, my education, my cute Brandley family, a healthy body, a sound mind, my extended family, my future family, mountains, and fresh air, freedom, and sacrifice.  I am thankful for the blessings i receive from my Heavenly Father, and his tender mercies that i experience everyday!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! 

Red Bull...gives you wings!

On the first day of June 2009, i agreed to go on a walk with one Phillip Jesse Brandley.  It was about 11:30 at night and it had been raining all day. I hadn't seen Phill in 2 years and shockingly enough i wasn't nervous at all.  i stepped out the front door of my house into the warm summer night not knowing that this would ever amount to anything.  We started walking, there was no awkward small talk, we just talked non-stop about nothing...it was easy, and it was fun! We walked for miles doing random things: rearranging people's lawn ornaments, running through sprinklers, waiting at a bus stop even though there wasn't a bus, and laughing. There was one thing we did that night, that has always stayed with us....well, besides each other. (haha)
Phill had been randomly picking flowers from people's yards as we walked and handed them to me.  As we walked he found a Red Bull can in the gutter, not thinking about sanitation or germs, i put the flowers in the can of Red Bull and he kept adding to it as we walked.  Next thing i know, I'm getting a text from my mom telling me it is now 2:30 A.M. and i had better get my butt home! I completely lost track of time! After that night, i didn't really expect to see him again, i wanted to, but i didn't expect we'd ever have anymore than that random walk in the middle of the night.  But, here we are almost 2 1/2 years later, still going strong. Now you are probably wondering what provoked this random storytelling post? This did:

Friday morning around 2, I had just gotten back from a movie with my sister, i walk into my room and i find these. Needless to say i crumbled and had myself a good cry. But all patheticness aside, how FREAKING adorable is this?!?  Phill collaborated with his amazing siblings, and arranged to have these delivered to me, in  a Red Bull can with a cute note. And people ask me why i love him! I couldn't have asked for anything or anyone sweeter. Sorry to get all mushy up in here, but he is just incredible, and i don't deserve him!





Fitness is My Pal

There are a many things i love with a passion: my family, Phillip, the gospel, fresh air, and... food. I really love to eat.  Lately i have been hearing this saying, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." when i hear this, i think to myself, 'Really...have they never eaten cake?' i mean COME ON!
I believe life is too delightful, surrounded by people you love and delectable things, to deprive yourself! Dieting is also proven to make you gain more weight in the long run, because you deprive yourself, and then binge!
 Well, then why deprive yourself! Philosophy if you eat what you want when you want, you won't gorge yourself.  Among the things i have a liking for, i enjoy running. I'm not particularly good at it. A back injury took me out of the game for a few years, but I'm edging my way back into fitness and control...calorie control that is.  I've started using My Fitness Pal, here is the link:  http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ it's free calorie counter and exercise tracker...and it. is. awesome.
I still eat what i want, when i want, but I'm am aware of how much i am eating, and now i actually know when to stop! Since i first logged onto myfitnesspal i have lost 7 pounds. what. up. I can also run much further than i could before! woot.
 Starving yourself is NEVER the answer, and depriving yourself is NEVER fun. So enjoy life, enjoy food!
Check out my fitness pal if you get the inkling. it's a helpful tool to enjoy the sweeter things in life and still get some results.  I love it!

May We Never Forget.

There are days that fade in and out of memory, but today will never be one of them. Its early morning on September 11th 2011,  as I went with my family to put up flags around our neighborhood I couldn't help but go back ten years ago and think of all the lives that were changed on this day, including mine.  Everyone says they will never forget where they were when they heard about the attacks on 9-11-01, and I am no exception.  I was ten years old.  This is what I remember about the day that changed our Nation forever:

September 11, 2001
I remember waking up to get ready for another exciting day of 5th grade. I went out to eat breakfast as I always did and usually watch a little T.V. today was different. I remember my mom had the news turned on and there was smoke billowing out of the World Trade Center. 
We watched for a while and then headed to school; i remember walking through the office, the library, the halls, the normal hustle of those busy places had fallen silent. No phones rang, no one spoke, and the eyes of all the teacher and adults were fixated on the television in the Green Acres library.  For most students once they reached their classrooms the tragedy that was unfolding before our eyes was shielded from them and their day went on.  But not for me, I remember walking into class and the same images poured out in front of me from the screen placed in my class room as the second tower was hit.
My teacher and little 5th grade class watched that terrible day unfold on live television all day. We saw every poor soul who leaped for their final deliverance from the top of the towers; we saw the fire, the smoke, the fear, the crash and collapse of both towers.
I remember when it was time for recess no one played, no one talked, and every time a plane flew over our heads we all instantly looked up expecting it to come crashing down on us.
My teacher had us draw pictures and write about what we saw.  I didn't keep what i drew, but i remember being sick to my stomach as i drew little people falling out of windows and the fire consuming the upper floors of the World Trade Center.

May we never forget, not only the attacks on the The World Trade Center, The Pentagon, and those who brought down the plane in Pennsylvania, but how united we were as a nation during the time that followed.  Even at 10 I had a feeling of unity and love for all Americans.  I remember how we all banded together from that day forward and although the smoke has dissipated and the victims have been laid to rest, may we never forget.  Never forget how precious life is, how blessed we are to live in America, and how much we owe to those serving our country. May we never ever forget.

God Bless America! 

Up, Up, and Away...

I LOVE Up!

1. because it is just flat out delightful

2. i die laughing every time i watch it

3.  it reminds me of Phillip and I.

  what are the similarities you ask?

Carl & Ellie have a coin jar to save up for somewhere they want to go together...

So do we!



They are best friends...



and so are we!!!

They have a book of their adventures...

and so do we!

We love to go on adventures

For our first Christmas together, Phill made me an adventure book, here are a couple of pages he made, and a few i've added to it over the past two years.

 




I love my adventure buddy, and just like Ellie my idea of what an adventure is changed when i met Phill and realized amazing adventures can be found in everyday situations!  Can't wait for an eternity of adventures with my best friend! 

oh, and this is the actual Up house i visited today, that created this Up craze!