Comparison is the Thief of Joy.

[insert excuse for not writing a post about my life as of late] I've decided to quit pretending I can stay up to date on my blog, that's crazy. Not to mention its mostly for myself so who cares right?  Lately I have been trying to break down my previously constructed ideals about myself and what I should or shouldn't be. I've started to quote a new mantra to myself whenever I revert back to thinking less of myself based on my misconceptions of worth, "Comparison is the thief of Joy." This quote comes from one of the most bad ass (I mean that in the most respectful way possible) men in history, Theodore Roosevelt.  I mean seriously, the man got shot in the chest on the way to a convention and still went to give his speech before going to the hospital.  He knows what he is talking about. But do I know what I'm talking about, do YOU even know what I'm talking about....probably not I'm being extremely vague.

Here is what I want to say, every day we get up and we start analyzing our lives, making observations: it's too hot in my room, I slept in too late, cool I have an awesome line from my pajamas digging into my fat...these observations constitute our attitude for the majority of our day. We go about our day looking at other people, comparing ourselves to them.  Sometimes the comparison is envious of her slender figure, his amazing car, their baby, clothes, pizza, giant purple people eater... while those comparisons can cheapen the great blessings in your life by blinding you from what you have.  Comparison of others to make yourself feel better can also take away joy and happiness,  "At least I don't look like that," "I get to go out at night, she's stuck at home with her baby," "Another stupid Facebook status about her boyfriend," "What a freak of nature!"  These comparisons we build up in our minds lead to only negative thoughts, negative actions, and negative lives.

I, Megan Christene Brandley, am a major comparer (comparde, comparist, comparess?) I compare on every level, to make myself believe I am better, to wish that I were better, or to just compare.  It sucks away the joy from your life and limits your ability to think positively. We believe our lives should be something that they aren't, we believe we should always be searching for more, achieving more, being more, and while it is good to continuously progress it is always important to live in the here and the now and embrace the amazing ups and downs of life.  I am at a point in my life that I always longed for, I graduated from college, I have a job teaching American History, I am married to my best friend, I have an amazing family, I live by mountains, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I didn't have to fight in the hunger games, and I woke up this morning! Why would I want another life? Why would you want a life other than your own.  Fun fact, you get to make your own life there may be external factors that continuously interfere, but you get to decided how you react to those negatives.

I am striving to put aside everything I used to compare about myself to others, everything I used to believe I should be, or what others think I should be, or what I think others think I should be, and be here and now. Comparison is thief of joy, it pits us against one another and against ourselves.  We are each given our individual lives, struggles, successes, and joys.  It takes a conscious effort everyday not to compare ourselves to others. It's a beautiful struggle, and a beautiful life.

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

There are times in our lives when we feel we are lacking.  Lacking in what? Everything.  That has been me lately.  Student teaching has been the most challenging thing I have ever done add on top of that crippling anxiety, a husband who lives 50 miles away during the week, and the random stresses of life.  It's been hard.

I am in an environment everyday that challenges me, challenges my faith.  My spirituality has taken a nose dive and I know it's because of this large task before me, and I know it is one of the tools of the adversary to remove you from your one source of true peace.  

As I've sat alone most days, rocking, and trying to ward off an anxiety attack so that I could work more a question has come to me repeatedly, where can I turn for peace? 

I would sink lower and lower and ask almost out loud, where can I turn for peace?  I knew that this phrase was not coming to me repeatedly by random, but rather by sweet, personal, divine, design.  I knew it was a song, but I couldn't remember if it was a hymn or not.  This Sunday I sat next to Phill in church, and the sacrament was being passed.  I hadn't been able to go to church for a couple weeks, because of illness.  Again the phrase came to me again, "where can I turn for peace?" I looked it up in the hymn book and there it was.  I read the lyrics and could barely see through the tears forming in my eyes.  It was everything I had been feeling that I had been too angry, too cloudy, too distracted to express myself.  My despair, fear, and doubt all wrapped up in this song, with the answer to my question, "where can I turn for peace?" 

Where Can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace

When other sources cease to make me whole?

When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,

I draw myself apart, 

Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,

Where when I languish,

Where, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

He answers privately,

Reaches my reaching

In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.

Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.

            Constant he is and kind,

            Love without end.

The last line of the first verse encompasses my emotions that last couple of months.  Searching my soul, trying to remember what it was like to feel that love of my Savior, and my Heavenly Father searching my soul daily, trying to find the answer of where peace could be found. Where can I run, I should have known to run to my Savior when I felt myself so seriously lacking, but that's the true power of the adversary, his ability to alter your belief of your worth.  

He answers privately, reaches my reaching.  In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.  In a chapel on 7th street this Sunday I was reaching, and privately and sweetly He reached back.  Giving me a new motivation to remember that a soul cannot be lacking when it knows where peace can be found.  I am so blessed to be a part of the glorious gospel!  Despite the imperfections of the world, of people, and of myself there is always one constant waiting patiently for our return, no matter how long the absence.  Where can I turn for peace? Savior and Friend, love without end. 

Strength in Trials.

Sometimes bad things happen to the best people.  I have observed this phenomenon all my life.  I have watched from the outside, from the inside, from above, from below and it is baffling to me how people survive the things they do.  

Ever since I can remember I have suffered with anxiety.  It is debilitating some days and tolerable others.  I don't usually talk about it with people, because they do not always understand what having an anxiety disorder means. I have always seen it as a weakness, that I have tried to bury deep inside of myself and keep private.  And when I break down or when I feel panicked I am alone.  There have been times when I have opened up to others about it, and it is brushed off as if it were something I brought upon myself.  Often I think, who would choose to feel this way? I have been debating about writing a post about it for months.  However, its an important issue that should be talked about.  

I have learned a lot about myself since I have been married, and it has been followed by a lot of anxiety and fear and despair when I should have been utterly and blissfully happy (which I have been with an extra side of terrified).  But this is the joy of emotional trials.  They bring you down in a way that no one can see and often you feel you are left to deal with it alone.  I have learned through amazing examples that you are never alone.  Phill has stood by me, cried by me, and held me up at my lowest and I would not be here writing this today if he didn't choose to look beyond my weakness and stay by my side.  

Another example of faith that has prompted me to write this is my friend Brittany King.  She and her husband are struggling to begin a family.  However, they push through the fear and the pain with faith.  Her perspective on the atonement has shaped my testimony since the first day I met her. She has given me the courage to write about my personal demons.  And to express the love and peace that can come out of struggle.  If you would like to read her incredible blog about their journey, joys, and sorrows click here. 

November starts a month of exceptional gratitude, it is one of my favorite months, because gratitude is one of my favorite emotions to express.  Life is so much more beautiful when you are grateful: Grateful for joy, sorrow, victory, and struggle. Today is November first and I am going to start off by being grateful for trials.  
In the October General Conference Elder Holland gave his talk on emotional illnesses.  I cried all the way through it. Click here to read it.  I have always felt broken, because I can't always control how I feel or behave and it affect other people in my life, mainly the people I love.  I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am not always in control of my mind. In a lot of moments I have felt like I don't deserve the love of my Father in Heaven or anyone for that matter.  But Elder Holland gave me hope. He stated,"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend...Also let us remember that through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for." 

My point of this post is not to gain pity.  I have no need for that.  But rather to express my joy.  The joy the gospel produces even in our darkest moments, our worst days, and our most anxious of nights. There is hope and there is light.  President Thomas S. Monson said, "Only the Master knows the depths of our trials.  He alone offers us eternal peace in that time of adversity.  He alone touches our tortured souls."

We may all feel tortured at times in our individual trials.  However, the light of Christ reaches through the thickest and most intoxicating darkness to offer aid.  There is joy in the lowest lows.  I am thankful for my trials.  I am thankful for the blessing of learning from them, growing from them, and being able to receive relief from tender mercies that have strengthened my faith.  Through individual trials, as well as others' trials, support and strength can be found. 

You're not alone.

Numbers

The same thought has been plaguing my mind all day, why do we let numbers rule how we perceive ourselves?  I got on the scale this morning and it was not pretty, but for a woman it NEVER is! We're never satisfied! After getting off I felt so worthless, so discouraged, and down right hideous.  But why? Why does a number control how we view ourselves or our worth?  Worth is not quantitative.

I walked to school still feeling self conscious and beaten down wondering why I felt like all my positive qualities melt away as the numbers on the scale go up or down or stay the same.  Is this a reflection of our society or personal insecurities?  Those who follow my blog know of my sob story past in which I was an overweight teenager in a petite loving society (if not you can read that post here).  And I've written posts similar to this before, but today the fact that a number on a scale could have me or ANYONE doubting their self worth is really eating at me.

Why do we look down on people because of their number?  Why do we judge our worth based on a number? Why do we focus on that number and not someone's gorgeous eyes, hair, face...? Even more importantly why do we disregard people because of their number? Is the number greater than a perfect personality, more than humor, wit, commitment, love, kindness? No.

So here it is.  The next time you think about your weight, negatively. Stop.  I'm going to too.  Which won't be easy, because if you are like me, you are worried about your weight 23 out of 24 hours a day.  But stop and look at your feet that you stand on. How well they support you, your legs get you where you want to go.  Don't think about size or shape, but function.  Look at your body it keeps you alive, it helps you live your amazing, beautiful (sometimes rocky) life.  Look at your face.  If you are like me there are many things about your face you want to change.  Stop. Look at your eyes admire the color, admire that they are allowing you to see this beautiful world.  Your smile and your face allows for expression of the joys and the sorrows.  With all of these things, all these beautifully positive things that our bodies do, that our bodies are, why do we focus on their number?

I am more than my number, YOU are more than your number.  Remember that!  This may seem a little flower child/inner goddess, but the truth is its hard to love your body in a society full of body obsession.  Is it important to be healthy? yes.  Is it vital to be that "magical perfect number"? NO, because it doesn't matter if you aren't kind, sweet, smart, loving, generous, courageous, or honest.  Next time you have a number that brings you down...think of the number of beautiful things that make you who you are, because its not your number.

One of my favorite authors, one of pretty much every one's favorite authors, J.K. Rowling said this:

"I’ve got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.”

I have many motivational quotes on my bathroom mirror, but this one always sticks with me the longest.  Often I catch myself thinking, when I get skinny I will... or If I were skinny I would..., Why do I feel like I need to by skinny?  The truth is we need to love ourselves...for being  more than a number.  

I know it's hard to be anyone in this body obsessed world.  We all feel the pressures every day. But life is beautiful and the things that matter don't show up on your scale every morning.  So cut yourself some slack, like I am going to try to do for myself, and....

Be more than your number, be more than societies unattainable expectation of you, be a Hermione, be you. 
  

Creation

I used this wonderful video in my Young Women's lesson on Sunday. It's taken from one of my favorite talks, I always resort back to this talk when i need an extra boost.

If you want to read the full talk click here 

Enjoy!

Love Thy Self.

I'm about to get personal here, but seeing how only two people ever read my blog it should be okay.  If someone were to ask me, what  my hardest obstacle to overcome is, it would have to be accepting myself.  I have always been self-conscious.  When I was in pre-school I was a foot taller than everyone else, and by 4th grade I was in denial that I weighed more than anyone else...that is until I started to get teased about my weight.  In 6th grade, I got a part in a play as one of the 3 little pigs... I cried and cried because I didn't want to be a fat pig in front of everyone (sob story I know). When it was time to get our costumes figured out the 3 little pigs were instructed to put pillows in our overalls to make us look bigger...a boy came up to me and said, "you won't have to put pillows in your overalls, you're already fat enough." no. joke.
This little walk down chubby memory lane was not to make anyone feel bad for me, or expose the scars of my past. I knew I was overweight.  Life went on, and I was always uncomfortable in my own body. Junior high led to a whole new slew of problems, (as it does for most awkward teenagers).  I never learned to love myself, but i always continued to BE myself.
In high school, my sophomore year, I joined the Lacrosse team.  By the end of the season I had lost about 20 pounds. Amazing what a little exercise can do! But, I still didn't love myself, I was constantly self-conscious and no matter how well I performed in the sport I still felt inferior to all those who were skinnier than myself. 
When I tell people that I suffer from self-esteem issues, they always seem surprised.  Since October I’ve lost about 12 pounds...and yet I am still self-conscious, I am still painfully aware that there are so many other women more beautiful than myself...But, why let simple facts rule your life?
Today I saw this saying,

Self-acceptance is key to happiness, if you don't have a habit of loving yourself for whoever you are, you'll never be truly satisfied no matter how much you change.   I strive every day to not let my insecurities get in my way, but everyone has downer days.  Beauty comes in so many forms, I love who I am on the inside, because of that part of me I have known pure and untainted joy in my life.  And in those moments, I let go of my insecurities and truly loved who I was in all my shapes and forms.  Happiness isn't your body size; it's what you do with your life! Another turning point today was seeing this commercial, which I have seen before and always love:

 

Acceptance of ourselves is a lifelong battle, and some days it feels like a battle against the whole world.  I don't plan on ever giving into how the world says I should be, I love who I am, I may not be comfortable in my own body 100% of the time. But I will always strive to be my best self. 

 Dear World,

It’s me, Megan, I’m writing to let you know that I love being me.  I love that I am a nerd, and get fanatic over silly things.  I am going to accept myself no matter how many images you throw at me telling me I need to be skinnier, prettier, or more self-serving. I will continue to exercise, and eat right for myself.  I am happy, I am loved, and I have plans for myself. And I won't let you or anyone stand in my way.  Dear world, people tell me that the things I am doing aren't right or aren't good enough. But that's not true. I am a girl of great passion, love, and happiness. This is what it feels like to be me.

Sincerely,

A girl



Words To Live By:

On Saturday night I went with my cute mommy, to the General Relief Society Meeting. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke to the women of the church. He used Forget-Me-Nots for the foundation of his talk. Just as there are five pedals on each Forget Me Not, he gave us 5 things we should never forget:

1. to be patient and compassionate with yourself

2. some sacrifices are better than others

3.  to seek for happiness NOW

4. that the gospel of Jesus Christ will inspire and uplift you.

5. that your Heavenly Father knows, loves, and cherishes you.

I loved this talk! Whether you have been active in the church all your life, or never at all your Heavenly Father loves you, and He loves me.  One of my favorite songs is Consider the Lilies it reminds me that no matter how small and insignificant we all may feel at times, Heavenly Father is mindful of all of his creations including me and you!

So chins up my friends, because He won't forget you, and neither will I!

 

Words To Live By:

"Do what you feel to be right in your heart -- for you will be criticized anyways." -Eleanor Roosevelt

When i first heard this quote i wanted rip out a few true thats, hallelujahs, amens, and a gangster like 'word', because this quote in essence encompasses all that is my life.  No matter how right something feels in your heart or how noble it may appear there will always be criticism! I think everyone is criticized for things they do.  For me i get the same conversations almost every week, these are a few of my favorites:

"Are you dating anyone...." -yeah, Phill, he's on a mission- "So no...You should really be dating around."  

"You're just going to Weber State, right?"

"Two years is a really long time..."

"You need to get that boy home and start a family"

"You're just going to be a teacher, right?"

I usually answer all of these delightful phrases with as much politeness as possible (easier said than done), even though i do have a few choice responses i'd like to say to them every time. The point is even if  you are doing what you know you're supposed to do or have made a decision that you know is right, go for it. Criticism is going to inevitably creep up on you to try and change your course.  Some people are easily shaken by the opinions of others. I am not. I have too much conviction in my heart that everything in my life right now is exactly how it is supposed to be. I am learning to find humor in the criticism i face every day, mostly because i know i'm right. (haha)

A Little Extra Reassurance

"Opposition turns up almost anyplace something good has happened.  It can happen when you are trying to get an education.  It can hit you after your first month in your new mission field.  It certainly happens in matters of love and marriage... With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing.  If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted in it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when pressure mounts...Face your doubts.  Master your fears. 'Cast not away your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

~Elder Holland~

The Best Thing Ever!!!
aka Phillip J. Brandley

This is my new favorite quote.  It explains perfectly what I battle every day.  For almost 6 months I have been in a storm of doubts, temptations, fears, and pressure to retreat from something amazing.  But, I have never once thought of giving up.  I am clinging to those moments of genuine illumination that point me in the direction that I am meant to be heading in my life.  This quote is such a strong foundation for me, a little extra reassurance, that I am doing what I need to be doing.  And there will always be something trying to pull me away, but I am thankful for the challenge.