Ever since I can remember I have suffered with anxiety. It is debilitating some days and tolerable others. I don't usually talk about it with people, because they do not always understand what having an anxiety disorder means. I have always seen it as a weakness, that I have tried to bury deep inside of myself and keep private. And when I break down or when I feel panicked I am alone. There have been times when I have opened up to others about it, and it is brushed off as if it were something I brought upon myself. Often I think, who would choose to feel this way? I have been debating about writing a post about it for months. However, its an important issue that should be talked about.
I have learned a lot about myself since I have been married, and it has been followed by a lot of anxiety and fear and despair when I should have been utterly and blissfully happy (which I have been with an extra side of terrified). But this is the joy of emotional trials. They bring you down in a way that no one can see and often you feel you are left to deal with it alone. I have learned through amazing examples that you are never alone. Phill has stood by me, cried by me, and held me up at my lowest and I would not be here writing this today if he didn't choose to look beyond my weakness and stay by my side.
Another example of faith that has prompted me to write this is my friend Brittany King. She and her husband are struggling to begin a family. However, they push through the fear and the pain with faith. Her perspective on the atonement has shaped my testimony since the first day I met her. She has given me the courage to write about my personal demons. And to express the love and peace that can come out of struggle. If you would like to read her incredible blog about their journey, joys, and sorrows click here.
November starts a month of exceptional gratitude, it is one of my favorite months, because gratitude is one of my favorite emotions to express. Life is so much more beautiful when you are grateful: Grateful for joy, sorrow, victory, and struggle. Today is November first and I am going to start off by being grateful for trials.
In the October General Conference Elder Holland gave his talk on emotional illnesses. I cried all the way through it. Click here to read it. I have always felt broken, because I can't always control how I feel or behave and it affect other people in my life, mainly the people I love. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am not always in control of my mind. In a lot of moments I have felt like I don't deserve the love of my Father in Heaven or anyone for that matter. But Elder Holland gave me hope. He stated,"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend...Also let us remember that through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for."
My point of this post is not to gain pity. I have no need for that. But rather to express my joy. The joy the gospel produces even in our darkest moments, our worst days, and our most anxious of nights. There is hope and there is light. President Thomas S. Monson said, "Only the Master knows the depths of our trials. He alone offers us eternal peace in that time of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls."
You're not alone.
