Are You My Mother?

Midnight, I sat in Ian's nursery, rocking him in my arms and I began to read him a story, "Are You My Mother?" as many are aware of in this story, a sweet baby bird wakes up to find that his mother is gone, when he falls from the nest he is off to find his mommy.  From creature to creature this baby bird wanders, the kitten, the cow, the dog, the chicken, the Snort (tractor), all of them reply that the are not this baby's mother. 

Often as I've read this book I've thought, this is stupid...how did this bird not know who his mother was? Did the mother spend so little time in the nest that the baby didn't know her well enough? Then came my fear (as overly dramatic as it may sound), will Ian be this baby bird? Wondering if all those who care for him day after day are in fact his mother?  Will he know me? The mama bird had to leave the nest so often that her baby didn't know her!

I'm going back to work tomorrow, I'm leaving the nest. I think of all the changes that will be happening in Ian's life in the course of a school year - smiling, sitting, scooting, crawling, squawking, rolling, and so much more. I will miss so many of these "firsts".  The mama bird in the story left the nest out of necessity, she had to find food for her baby bird, she had to provide.  After she had provided for her baby she would return back to him, care for him, love him, and then again leave the nest to provide. I am the mama bird. 

A lot of guilt has accompanied the strain of returning to work...moms stay home I grew up thinking, when I grow up my job will be at home being a mom.  "Good" moms stay home. I feel this is what used to be our societal norm..."good" moms stay home. That's not an accurate picture at all, I've had to change my way of thinking.  "Good" moms make sure their baby's needs are met, good moms want what is best for their babies, good moms worry about their babies, and do everything in their power to provide a good life for their babies...I am leaving the nest, and like the mama bird in the story, I am leaving to provide for my sweet baby bird. I am leaving to give him a good life, to provide him with the necessities of life - food, shelter, clothing...and with those necessities, and the limited time we will have together I will give him so much love. 

He may not spend the most time with me...but I will work so hard for him, for Phill, for my family. The mother bird in the story was not neglectful or selfish, she was doing what she could to help her baby, and that is what I will do too. I wish I could stay, see all the firsts, but instead I will be there in spirit, and provide like the mama bird in the story...and in the end I will return home, scoop up my confused little bundle and convince him that I'm his mother, and I love him endlessly.

A Baby Changes Everything.

 

A baby changes everything. For nine months this phrase would swim into my mind, I tried to imagine the changes that were ahead of us. If a baby changes EVERYTHING, what will our life be like? You can never imagine, never predict, and never comprehend- you spend nearly 300 days trying to picture it. In one moment, one out of body experiencing moment, your comfortable life of two turns into an unpredictable beautiful mess of three.

Honesty Hammer: I didn't love pregnancy, it was hard, I was riddled with crippling anxiety, my body bloated to an embarrassing size (which my doctor enjoyed pointing out to me), and my every move was a spectator sport to bystanders around me (yes, I know it is hilarious to watch a 9 months pregnant mammoth try to reach the bagels on the bottom shelf at Walmart, but geez, did you have to whip out the Milk Duds and Popcorn?!). Disclaimer: I would never discredit the incredible gift I was given to carry my baby with as few complications as possible. I will never complain about that, I know there are many who long for that opportunity. I have known that longing, but we must all find humor in our situations!

The weeks of pregnancy slowly turn into months, and by the time you reach week 30, you don't remember life before pregnancy.  The ability to take a full breath, to not have to give yourself a wide birth when taking corners, locating a bathroom at every stop, or having your belly do the wave as hands, belonging to who knows, lunge towards the midriff you'd always kept to yourself!

Week 37, the Summer heat was getting to me like the cabin fever scene in Muppet Treasure Island. I had started to progress I was sitting at 3 and 90%, sweet! That means my baby is coming ANY DAY! Lies...38 weeks, no progress! I was certain that I would probably go over my due date and being in a super stable condition I couldn't handle the thought of two or three more weeks pregnant! I expressed these (ridiculous) feelings to the Nurse Practitioner, she suggested if I wanted a chance of being induced early then I could sign up for a study they were doing at McKay Dee - The premise of the study was to determine if deliveries went better if a woman was induced a week prior to her due date vs a week after. So far they have found that a week prior reduces the number of C-sections, because the babies have not reached an unmanageable weight (typically). The study was done kind of like a lottery, you sign up and they randomize you into one of two categories: Induction or Waiting.  The waiting group will have to go into labor on their own with not assistance from the doctor, and the Induction group would be induced within a couple days of their 39th week.

So, crazed with July heat and hormones I signed up the for the study. The nurse put my information into the computer and prepared to place me randomly in one of the two groups. She, reassuringly said, "the last woman was placed into the induction group and I've never gotten two inductions in a row" Holding my breath and the longest 10 seconds of my life, the nurse yells, "INDUCTION!" Sweet heaven above, a light at the end of the bloated tunnel!

Winning lottery baby ticket in hand I only had four more days of being pregnant! Hallelujah! July 8th came slower than the passed 9 months. Phill and I spent the morning walking aimlessly around any store that was open at 8 in the morning to bide our time until the hospital called.  We took a turn about Beus's Pond, and finally at 10:30 we got the call! I'd never moved so fast in my whole life walking into the hospital and into Labor and Delivery.

By 11am I was in my room, hooked up to an excessive number of tubes, wires, and monitors.  My contractions were easy to deal with as the Pitocin was increased, I spent some time on the exercise ball, and I was still a 3 when we started.  I progressed about a centimeter and hour, at 5 centimeters they broke my water, and by 6cm I was game for an epidural! I'm not a fan of pain, but I am a fan of modern medicine! The epidural made me itchy ALL over, it was like I had rolled in hay!

 

I honestly enjoyed labor, the epidural made everything so relaxing, and time passed quickly. By 8 it was time to start pushing. I was so at ease and excited, pushing was weirdly my favorite part, probably because I actually felt like I was doing something.  The epidural kind of takes way all of the "effort" of labor, so I was grateful to finally feel like I was doing something to get my baby here!

At 9:05pm our baby Ian was born,8.9 perfect pounds and 21 adorable inches. That moment is such a blur. I saw this little body, so perfect and so real and then they gave him to me...? He was mine? There are no words, it is the most surreal experience, it's unmeasurable love and fear coexisting in a blissful chaos.

Ian is now a month old, he is so sweet.  Motherly love didn't come instantly for me, I loved him of course, but I am surprised at how I've grown to love him more and more.  Being a mom is the most difficult thing I have never done. A baby truly changes everything, a baby will change how you see yourself - an inadequate girl, who spends every minute of every day trying to prove herself to a little piece of heaven, to prove that I can be your mom.  God gave me this great responsibility, and I know that he is helping me despite my doubts in myself. A baby changes how you see your husband- Phill is my balance and my calm in this storm.  When I am crying, and the baby is crying he will comfort us both so seamlessly.  He makes an effort to make sure I feel loved when I am overwhelmed.  He is so sweet and perfect with Ian I love to watch them interact. A baby changes your life as you know it...I could pretend it is a perfect amazing change and I'd never have it any other way, but there are moments when our sweet baby has changed everything and it's a lot to deal with. In these moments of weakness and distress I am grateful for all I have, for the gift I've been given to raise this beautiful, clingy, bright eyed boy.