"The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone's highlight reels."
-Steven Furtick
I was eleven the first time I thought about killing myself. Bullies at school, a changing body, learning disabilities, and undiagnosed depression had pushed my adolescent mind to a near breaking point.
Every time I have had the notion to write about my struggle with depression and anxiety I have typically pushed the idea away. Why? Because no one needs to hear the negative dribble, because it would invoke a slew of pity from people around me...No, because I am afraid, like so many others who deal with mental illness we are afraid of letting others see who we are, what our struggles are, what our behind the scenes looks like. Mental illness has a stigma, no matter how many celebrities have tweeted about it or entered rehab for it...there is a stigma.
We live in a world of highlight reels. Facebook walls, Instagram feeds, tweets, and blog posts paint pictures of perfect lives. My highlight reel is beautiful. It is what my 11 year old self would have considered a perfect life. I have a sweet and thoughtful husband, who was my first love, I have an incredibly amazing little boy, and my dream job (yes, really). I have spent many sleepless nights wondering, and praying, why isn't this enough? Why aren't I happy?
My depression and anxiety increased significantly after I was married. This is a position I never thought I would be in. I stared blankly at the highlight reels of other newlyweds, and I wondered, "why are they so happy? why aren't I happy?" I refused to get treatment, I didn't need help, I needed to snap out of whatever this was. My anxiety attacks increased, almost daily I was completely wiped out by shaking, sobbing, hyperventilating, gut wrenching attacks. My highlight reel never waivered, a perfect Instagram feed, a witty and sarcastic Facebook wall, and a façade that fooled most people. By all accounts I was happy. Behind the scenes; ''I'm crazy," I sob to Phill as I literally cling to life and my rational thoughts, crumpled up on our kitchen floor. Week to week I am plagued with debilitating panic attacks. I feel broken, and fearful that others see me as I see myself...broken, crazy, and out of control. The stigma.
When I was 22, I sat on the edge of my bed and wondered...how do I end this? My mind raced back to when I was eleven...how do I end this?
When I was 22, I sat on the edge of my bed and wondered...how do I end this? My mind raced back to when I was eleven...how do I end this?
Highlight reels. While tortuous when used as a comparison tool, they can be life sustaining. Mine has sustained me multiple times. As the thoughts have streamed into my troubled mind, "how do I end this, I'm done." my highlight reel plays, like an endless stream of silver linings... and I make it one more day.
October 2013, Elder Holland gave a talk in General Conference entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel" and I have listened to it and read it hundreds of times since. In this talk he addresses how I have been feeling for my entire life..."this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement." It's not a lack of positive thinking, but rather a true condition that is so often misunderstood.
He counseled, "never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend...through any illness or difficulty there is much in this life to be hopeful about and grateful for...Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are, "like a broken vessel," we must remember, broken minds can be healed...the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind." I sat on the couch listening to this talk, tears streaming down my face...the reality ~ I could no longer rely on my highlight reel, my behind the scenes had become too dark. To this divinely inspired message I owe my life.
I have since sought treatment for my struggle, however, they have not been successful and my mind feels more broken and distressed than ever. Yet, we cannot lose ourselves in darkness, we have to push forward to find the light. There is much to be hoped for...the ability to truly live in your own highlight reel and not drown in the skewed reality of the reels around us. May we all strive to be a little more honest, and proud of our behind the scenes. The struggles bring more joy to the highlights. May we seek to understand one another better and to lift each other up, rather than assume we are all living in the glorious reality we portray online (because most of us are not).
My highlight reel is beautiful, but it is not my complete reality. My reality is a struggle to continue, a fear that others will think I am weak, and a powerful, yet slippery, grip on all I have to live for. No matter what you are facing behind the scenes, know that you are not alone. Know that you are loved, and use your reel to guide you through darkness.
"You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."
I fight. I fall. I survive.
