October 18, 2015

The Highlight Reel.

"The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone's highlight reels."
 
-Steven Furtick

 
I was eleven the first time I thought about killing myself.  Bullies at school, a changing body, learning disabilities, and undiagnosed depression had pushed my adolescent mind to a near breaking point.
 
Every time I have had the notion to write about my struggle with depression and anxiety I have typically pushed the idea away.  Why? Because no one needs to hear the negative dribble, because it would invoke a slew of pity from people around me...No, because I am afraid, like so many others who deal with mental illness we are afraid of letting others see who we are, what our struggles are, what our behind the scenes looks like.  Mental illness has a stigma, no matter how many celebrities have tweeted about it or entered rehab for it...there is a stigma.
   
We live in a world of highlight reels.  Facebook walls, Instagram feeds, tweets, and blog posts paint pictures of perfect lives.  My highlight reel is beautiful.  It is what my 11 year old self would have considered a perfect life.  I have a sweet and thoughtful husband, who was my first love,  I have an incredibly amazing little boy, and my dream job (yes, really).  I have spent many sleepless nights wondering, and praying, why isn't this enough? Why aren't I happy?
 
My depression and anxiety increased significantly after I was married. This is a position I never thought I would be in. I stared blankly at the highlight reels of other newlyweds, and I wondered, "why are they so happy? why aren't I happy?"  I refused to get treatment, I didn't need help, I needed to snap out of whatever this was.  My anxiety attacks increased, almost daily I was completely wiped out by shaking, sobbing, hyperventilating, gut wrenching attacks.  My highlight reel never waivered, a perfect Instagram feed, a witty and sarcastic Facebook wall, and a façade that fooled most people. By all accounts I was happy. Behind the scenes; ''I'm crazy," I sob to Phill as I literally cling to life and my rational thoughts, crumpled up on our kitchen floor.  Week to week I am plagued with debilitating panic attacks.  I feel broken, and fearful that others see me as I see myself...broken, crazy, and out of control. The stigma.
When I was 22, I sat on the edge of my bed and wondered...how do I end this? My mind raced back to when I was eleven...how do I end this?
 
Highlight reels. While tortuous when used as a comparison tool, they can be life sustaining.  Mine has sustained me multiple times. As the thoughts have streamed into my troubled mind, "how do I end this, I'm done." my highlight reel plays, like an endless stream of silver linings... and I make it one more day.
 
October 2013, Elder Holland gave a talk in General Conference entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel" and I have listened to it and read it hundreds of times since.  In this talk he addresses how I have been feeling for my entire life..."this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement." It's not a lack of positive thinking, but rather a true condition that is so often misunderstood.
 He counseled, "never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend...through any illness or difficulty there is much in this life to be hopeful about and grateful for...Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee.  Though we may feel we are, "like a broken vessel," we must remember, broken minds can be healed...the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind." I sat on the couch listening to this talk, tears streaming down my face...the reality ~ I could no longer rely on my highlight reel, my behind the scenes had become too dark. To this divinely inspired message I owe my life.
 
I have since sought treatment for my struggle, however, they have not been successful and my mind feels more broken and distressed than ever.  Yet, we cannot lose ourselves in darkness, we have to push forward to find the light. There is much to be hoped for...the ability to truly live in your own highlight reel and not drown in the skewed reality of the reels around us.  May we all strive to be a little more honest, and proud of our behind the scenes.  The struggles bring more joy to the highlights.  May we seek to understand one another better and to lift each other up, rather than assume we are all living in the glorious reality we portray online (because most of us are not).
 
My highlight reel is beautiful, but it is not my complete reality. My reality is a struggle to continue, a fear that others will think I am weak, and a powerful, yet slippery, grip on all I have to live for.  No matter what you are facing behind the scenes, know that you are not alone.  Know that you are loved, and use your reel to guide you through darkness.
  "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it." 
 
I fight. I fall. I survive.
 

August 23, 2015

Are You My Mother?

Midnight, I sat in Ian's nursery, rocking him in my arms and I began to read him a story, "Are You My Mother?" as many are aware of in this story, a sweet baby bird wakes up to find that his mother is gone, when he falls from the nest he is off to find his mommy.  From creature to creature this baby bird wanders, the kitten, the cow, the dog, the chicken, the Snort (tractor), all of them reply that the are not this baby's mother. 

Often as I've read this book I've thought, this is stupid...how did this bird not know who his mother was? Did the mother spend so little time in the nest that the baby didn't know her well enough? Then came my fear (as overly dramatic as it may sound), will Ian be this baby bird? Wondering if all those who care for him day after day are in fact his mother?  Will he know me? The mama bird had to leave the nest so often that her baby didn't know her!

I'm going back to work tomorrow, I'm leaving the nest. I think of all the changes that will be happening in Ian's life in the course of a school year - smiling, sitting, scooting, crawling, squawking, rolling, and so much more. I will miss so many of these "firsts".  The mama bird in the story left the nest out of necessity, she had to find food for her baby bird, she had to provide.  After she had provided for her baby she would return back to him, care for him, love him, and then again leave the nest to provide. I am the mama bird. 

A lot of guilt has accompanied the strain of returning to work...moms stay home I grew up thinking, when I grow up my job will be at home being a mom.  "Good" moms stay home. I feel this is what used to be our societal norm..."good" moms stay home. That's not an accurate picture at all, I've had to change my way of thinking.  "Good" moms make sure their baby's needs are met, good moms want what is best for their babies, good moms worry about their babies, and do everything in their power to provide a good life for their babies...I am leaving the nest, and like the mama bird in the story, I am leaving to provide for my sweet baby bird. I am leaving to give him a good life, to provide him with the necessities of life - food, shelter, clothing...and with those necessities, and the limited time we will have together I will give him so much love. 

He may not spend the most time with me...but I will work so hard for him, for Phill, for my family. The mother bird in the story was not neglectful or selfish, she was doing what she could to help her baby, and that is what I will do too. I wish I could stay, see all the firsts, but instead I will be there in spirit, and provide like the mama bird in the story...and in the end I will return home, scoop up my confused little bundle and convince him that I'm his mother, and I love him endlessly.

August 11, 2015

A Baby Changes Everything.

 
A baby changes everything. For nine months this phrase would swim into my mind, I tried to imagine the changes that were ahead of us. If a baby changes EVERYTHING, what will our life be like? You can never imagine, never predict, and never comprehend- you spend nearly 300 days trying to picture it. In one moment, one out of body experiencing moment, your comfortable life of two turns into an unpredictable beautiful mess of three.

Honesty Hammer: I didn't love pregnancy, it was hard, I was riddled with crippling anxiety, my body bloated to an embarrassing size (which my doctor enjoyed pointing out to me), and my every move was a spectator sport to bystanders around me (yes, I know it is hilarious to watch a 9 months pregnant mammoth try to reach the bagels on the bottom shelf at Walmart, but geez, did you have to whip out the Milk Duds and Popcorn?!). Disclaimer: I would never discredit the incredible gift I was given to carry my baby with as few complications as possible. I will never complain about that, I know there are many who long for that opportunity. I have known that longing, but we must all find humor in our situations!

The weeks of pregnancy slowly turn into months, and by the time you reach week 30, you don't remember life before pregnancy.  The ability to take a full breath, to not have to give yourself a wide birth when taking corners, locating a bathroom at every stop, or having your belly do the wave as hands, belonging to who knows, lunge towards the midriff you'd always kept to yourself!


Week 37, the Summer heat was getting to me like the cabin fever scene in Muppet Treasure Island. I had started to progress I was sitting at 3 and 90%, sweet! That means my baby is coming ANY DAY! Lies...38 weeks, no progress! I was certain that I would probably go over my due date and being in a super stable condition I couldn't handle the thought of two or three more weeks pregnant! I expressed these (ridiculous) feelings to the Nurse Practitioner, she suggested if I wanted a chance of being induced early then I could sign up for a study they were doing at McKay Dee - The premise of the study was to determine if deliveries went better if a woman was induced a week prior to her due date vs a week after. So far they have found that a week prior reduces the number of C-sections, because the babies have not reached an unmanageable weight (typically). The study was done kind of like a lottery, you sign up and they randomize you into one of two categories: Induction or Waiting.  The waiting group will have to go into labor on their own with not assistance from the doctor, and the Induction group would be induced within a couple days of their 39th week.


So, crazed with July heat and hormones I signed up the for the study. The nurse put my information into the computer and prepared to place me randomly in one of the two groups. She, reassuringly said, "the last woman was placed into the induction group and I've never gotten two inductions in a row" Holding my breath and the longest 10 seconds of my life, the nurse yells, "INDUCTION!" Sweet heaven above, a light at the end of the bloated tunnel!

Winning lottery baby ticket in hand I only had four more days of being pregnant! Hallelujah! July 8th came slower than the passed 9 months. Phill and I spent the morning walking aimlessly around any store that was open at 8 in the morning to bide our time until the hospital called.  We took a turn about Beus's Pond, and finally at 10:30 we got the call! I'd never moved so fast in my whole life walking into the hospital and into Labor and Delivery.

By 11am I was in my room, hooked up to an excessive number of tubes, wires, and monitors.  My contractions were easy to deal with as the Pitocin was increased, I spent some time on the exercise ball, and I was still a 3 when we started.  I progressed about a centimeter and hour, at 5 centimeters they broke my water, and by 6cm I was game for an epidural! I'm not a fan of pain, but I am a fan of modern medicine! The epidural made me itchy ALL over, it was like I had rolled in hay!


 


I honestly enjoyed labor, the epidural made everything so relaxing, and time passed quickly. By 8 it was time to start pushing. I was so at ease and excited, pushing was weirdly my favorite part, probably because I actually felt like I was doing something.  The epidural kind of takes way all of the "effort" of labor, so I was grateful to finally feel like I was doing something to get my baby here!

At 9:05pm our baby Ian was born,8.9 perfect pounds and 21 adorable inches. That moment is such a blur. I saw this little body, so perfect and so real and then they gave him to me...? He was mine? There are no words, it is the most surreal experience, it's unmeasurable love and fear coexisting in a blissful chaos.







Ian is now a month old, he is so sweet.  Motherly love didn't come instantly for me, I loved him of course, but I am surprised at how I've grown to love him more and more.  Being a mom is the most difficult thing I have never done. A baby truly changes everything, a baby will change how you see yourself - an inadequate girl, who spends every minute of every day trying to prove herself to a little piece of heaven, to prove that I can be your mom.  God gave me this great responsibility, and I know that he is helping me despite my doubts in myself. A baby changes how you see your husband- Phill is my balance and my calm in this storm.  When I am crying, and the baby is crying he will comfort us both so seamlessly.  He makes an effort to make sure I feel loved when I am overwhelmed.  He is so sweet and perfect with Ian I love to watch them interact. A baby changes your life as you know it...I could pretend it is a perfect amazing change and I'd never have it any other way, but there are moments when our sweet baby has changed everything and it's a lot to deal with. In these moments of weakness and distress I am grateful for all I have, for the gift I've been given to raise this beautiful, clingy, bright eyed boy.



June 6, 2015

Time is Ticking

In a matter of weeks we will be parents to an actual external wiggling, crying, spitting, beautiful tiny human...I've never been so terrified or so calm in my life. Those two opposites of chaos and bliss will most likely define the rest of our lives. Welcome to parenthood.  Many look back at the day their first baby is born and note it as the day they became parents...I have always felt the moment that second pink line floats into view you're a parent...I've been a parent for almost 250 days, along the way I have written little notes here and there to calm my nerves and paranoia as I wait for this baby to come. I began writing it the week I found out I was pregnant, it has been random and cathartic, so here you are the ramblings of an overly hormonal woman:

11/3/14 ~ Today's the day I've always dreamed about.  Peeing on that weird shaped stick, flipping it over and seeing a big old PREGNANT staring back at me.  When I took the test I expected it to be negative. Everything I was feeling, all of my "symptoms",  seemed very time of monthly.  I couldn't resist checking though, it was about four days before my missed period, but I couldn't wait.  I did as the magic pregnancy test box instructed...trying to do it very quietly with Phill in the next room.  I paused, I waited, I prayed, I looked.....pregnant.

I've known how I wanted to tell Phill for a long time! I was so excited about the idea! I thought I would have so much time to prepare my epically adorable plan...not so much.
I came out of the bathroom shaking, I tried to act natural, the positive pregnancy test in my sweater pocket...I slyly took our Adventure Book that Phill had made me our first Christmas and hauled it up stairs. My game plan had always been that I would make a page in it announcing that we were pregnant, I thought that when I found out he wouldn't be home and I'd have plenty of time to get it together, but I couldn't wait. I hurried and took a picture of the test, printed it out and wrote shakily on the page.
He had come up the stairs, and I walked into our room holding the book, not having a good reason for having the book, I casually said we should look at it.  We reminisced about all of our grand adventures, I was so nervous. Finally we turned to the page, he stared at it...
and he stammered, "you're pregnant?" his face was priceless, his eyes filled with tears, I couldn't believe it still so I just stared at the page as well and pulled out the test from my pocket. Positive. Pregnant. Parents.

I was certain that I had gotten a false positive. I was excited, but this couldn't be real? We ran to the store and bought two more tests...positive. I was so afraid it wasn't real that I had Phill give me a Priesthood blessing.  In my blessing he mentioned how much Heavenly Father loved me, he said that he felt the presence of my Grandpa Charlie and Grandpa Low there with us as he told me through the spirit that I was pregnant.
This is real life.
The next morning I took one more just to be safe. I called the Doctor...I said it for the first time out loud, "I'm pregnant." Those words coming out of my mouth sounded so crazy that I forgot what I was supposed to ask the Doctor's office.  I laughed with the secretary that I was so dumbfounded by the idea that I didn't know what to do. The next day I would go to the doctor and take another test.
I took Phill with me, despite the 5 positive tests sitting on our bathroom counter I felt it might still be negative. They called me back, I did what I've become very talented at doing, and waited...they called me back again, on the table was a kit to draw my blood, that meant pregnant. This is real life. My blood was drawn and my next two appointments made. We're having a baby.

11/4/14
Hi Baby,
It's your mommy! I can't believe you are real and that you are growing inside of me! Your daddy and I love you so much already! Stay strong in there love. We want to see your beautiful face and feel your amazing light in our lives. Stay with us baby, we love you.
-Mom

11/10/14
It had been a week and about 8 pregnancy tests, and I still couldn't put my mind at ease about our Baby B. I needed expert help...to the Grandparents!
It's early, I felt it was too early to tell anyone about our little poppy seed, but I needed the reassurance parents are so gifted at giving. Phill insightfully persuaded me to tell them. We put a plan together in the matter of minutes. We would write them a message from baby in the back of our favorite book, Mustache Baby!
The note said: "Hi Grandma and Grandpa, I can't wait for you to read to me July 2015! Love, Baby B"
My mom looked at us sitting on the couch every part of me shaking, "We're having a baby" we responded to her surprised face. She replied with a joy filled "you did it!" 
The fears melted away for a brief moment, and then I told them about my fears and they told me about the joys. Baby B is blessed to have such amazingly wonderful grandparents.
They even gave us baby's first official gift, a book called Hello America! We read it together and laughed about all the times ahead. When we left mom held me tight, kissed her hand and patted my tummy...stay in there baby. Yes, please stay. You are so loved.

11/13/14
5 weeks along
10 days of knowing you
12 positive pregnancy tests
2 major cravings - Instant Potatoes & Ravioli
5 restless nights
10+ mood swings...daily
2 cases of pregnancy brain
1 apple seed sized babe
1 happy and nervous mom

11/22/14

Hi baby,
It's the week of Thanksgiving, and you are somewhere between a sweet pea and a blueberry.  You've made it so far already and I love you more each day.  I am thankful that you are a part of our family, and that you are here with me now.  You truly are my favorite miracle.  We love you.

12/4/14

There are days in your life that you may feel will never come.   December 4, 2014 was that day for me.  I had waited my whole life for this day, and in the month waiting for you to grow big enough to be seen I think I waited another lifetime.  I was so in love with the idea of you that I was afraid you wouldn't be there when the time came!
Daddy and I got to the hospital 30 minutes early, we were so anxious to see you! We waited, and waited, we watched all the people who came after us get called in before us.  One more lifetime of waiting and then it was finally our turn. We met your doctor, she is fun baby you'll like her. 
Finally, I laid back on the table, put my feet in the gloriously comfortable stirrups and in less than 10 seconds there you were.  My baby, our baby, on the screen.  I could see your little heart moving in the center of your gummy bear shape.  We were able to hear your heart it was beating so strong.  Good job baby.  Keep growing, we love you.




12/26/14

Guess what baby?! All of your Aunts, Uncles, and Grandparents know about you now, and they are so excited to meet you! You were the perfect Christmas present. Nana and Papa were so excited about you their eyes filled with tears of joy.
Tio Ben in Mexico was so surprised he beamed with excitement to hear about you!   Uncle Rick called us as soon as we sent him your picture, he's so excited for you to arrive! You received Christmas presents from Aunt Kait who loves you so much already, and Grandma and Grandpa Westbroek bought you your first puppy dog.  I can't wait for you to hold it and love it. 
More than ever I can't wait to hold and love you.  Stay with us baby. We love you.





2/3/15
17 weeks, we went to see you again, I was so nervous.  Daddy was excited to see you and find out if you'd be a boy or a girl.  We got to our appointment early, waited, and waited.  A knock on the door...the nurse said we'd have to come back later, because the doctor was delivering a baby. I had a mild heart attack, but was determined to come back and see you!
A few hours later, there we were again, waiting...and waiting. Finally our turn to go into the ultrasound room again. Jelly on the belly, a few swipes of the magic ultrasound wand and there you were, kicking around, our little boy.  wow.
You became so real to us in that moment. Parents of a baby boy. Love. fear. joy.

2/25/15

Baby Boy- confirmed!
Starting to feel you move
141 heart beats per minute
9 inches long
2 strong legs
2 wiggling arms
10 amazing fingers and toes
12 ounces
1 noticeable bump


3rd Trimester Adventures:
Birthing Class - daddy wore a belly and felt you REALLY move for the first time!
Mover and a Shaker - You move almost all the time baby! You love to push against my right side and stretch...silly baby.
Mommy turned 24 & finished her first year of teaching.
Grandma drooled on Mom's tummy while talking to you!
Started getting our house ready for you to arrive!
Mom's belly grew to the size of a house!
T-minus 5 weeks until your due date! We love you!

 

April 26, 2015

Thank you Grandma.

Last Friday my beautiful grandma passed away after a hard battle with mortality. I was blessed to be not only her granddaughter, but one of her caregiver as well.  I was given the opportunity to speak at her funeral Friday, I'm grateful for her life of service and love.


I am on the tail end of the parade of grandchildren and I know there are thousands of memories filed away in each of our heads, I wish we all had the opportunity to share them.  I felt pressed to speak about grandma not as she was in a time that I was too young to remember, but rather a time that occupied the last twenty years of her life, a time of limitations, strength, love, and amazing lessons.  Grandma was known for her service, I was young when she was diagnosed with a disease that consumed most of her physical abilities.  However I do have memories of her kindness.  I to this day have my Muffy Bear dressed in the outfit she sewed for her, and I clearly remember the perfectly painted clothing on her Disney princess dolls to make them modest, I still carry with me a tremendous guilt for eating the insides of her freshly made bread, leaving behind a warm crust shell, and sitting silently as she asked who had eaten the insides…sorry Grandma that was me. I remember a sleep over in which I had forgotten my Teddy bear, Megan 101, never forget the Bear! Crying in the back room she brought me an armful of stuffed animals to comfort me. Grandma taught me to serve, even in the small moments I remember of her being able to truly do so the way she liked.

As we all grew older grandma changed, I remember hand rails in the hallways of her house appearing, the walker in the kitchen, and finally the wheel chair.  I remember her as she started to struggle to speak, this is the grandma I knew best, and this is the grandma I loved the most. She always smiled when we came, that was one thing she never lost.  The master of the facial expression. Grandma had the ability to communicate so much without saying a word. A few of my favorite expressions were: the disappointed you are making me eat dinner before dessert face, the you're not leaving so soon face, the sarcastic eye roll when she knows you're teasing or she's had enough of your sass face.  The give me that frosty right now face, the stares of total love and sweetness, the bright eyes when you told her something exciting, the open mouth with big eyes when the news was extra special! Grandma taught me that words aren't always necessary.

The way we were able to communicate with grandma was far greater than any actual conversation to me, her ability to convey emotion through her facial expressions and spirit mean more to me than any long conversation we might have had.

The memories I have of grandma is not a list of physical limitation, missed outings, or lack of discussion, but rather the privilege of sensing her spirit, where words ceased her spirit worked overtime to radiate warmth, love, and humor. Grandma lived a life of service, her physical body made most of those common acts of service out of her ability, however, one of the greatest acts of service she ever gave was to allow me, and so many others to serve her.  As a woman who was rarely served herself, I can imagine how trying it must have been for her to allow a seemingly endless sea of caregivers to take care of her and serve her. Grandma taught me to be servable.

Grandma's words when spoken were worth the struggle it took her to speak, One Sunday night when we were having a slumber party as I liked to call them, she gave me a beautiful piece of wisdom to ponder, I had moved her to the couch to sit with me, we'd made brownies, and we'd watched a girly movie.  I put her to bed with some effort, I had run my first half-marathon the day before and I could barely move.  About an hour later, I hear her moving in her room, I cringed as I stood with my sore muscles and I entered her room.  And there I find grandma on the floor at the foot of the bed, her you caught me facial expression beaming up at me, “what are you doing I asked!?”  I have so much to do, it's time to get going! She replied.  I chuckled and said it's one in the morning, no one has anything to do! We laughed, and I told her we'd have to wait for my dad to come get her off the floor because my muscles were too sore from the race. She looked at me sternly, and said, "Why do you run, when you can't even walk?" This phrase has stayed with me ever since, what lessons could I learn from this philosophical question, I have thought it many time as I felt overwhelmed or felt that I wasn't doing enough, when feelings of inadequacy floated into my brain...why am I running, if I can’t even walk? Patience will bring progress, Grandma taught me patience. Not only patience with others, but patience with myself.

Patience with yourself and others, service and being servable, these are all great traits, but they do not come easy...Grandma taught me that too, as she struggled through this mortal existence with such a frustrating disease grandma handled each moment, each phase, and each day with grace, humor, and realism. To make it through this life we must be willing to handle trials with grace, to ward off negativity and sadness with humor in our situation, and to embrace our reality as a part of God's greater plan.  Grandma taught me this, and I will push forward always thinking of her grace, humor, and realism to overcome each trial I face.
There are a flood of emotions as we enter new phases in our life, a life without grandma’s wit and wisdom readily present, but I will always remember her grace and her spirit that gave me strength when life was too much. I am grateful for the lessons and for the beautiful ride. We love you and we will miss you

March 6, 2015

Embrace Your Battle

  In November of 2014, I sat in my small, confining bathroom, four walls, and a throne of waiting...One, one thousand, two, one thousand...179, one thousand, 180, one thousand....3 minutes, closed eyes, shaking, I took a breath, and I looked. Pregnant.

Closed my eyes again, shaking more vigorously, opened them again, looked. Pregnant. How? How was this possible?! I mean I know "how" I took human development, but seriously how in that moment was I so infinitely blessed?! To me, some people's nightmare was my greatest and most far reaching dream.  Pregnant?! I couldn't be.


My thoughts of denial have nothing to do with my fear of becoming a mother, those fears came later, but rather with my fear of never becoming a mother which has been in the forefront of my mind since I was 15.  Most women don't grow up thinking they will deal with infertility.  Most women get that shock later, after months, and years of heart wrenching struggle.  I received this news when I was in Junior High, that I might struggle with infertility, and the ability to become a mother.  I have been told that I am lucky, to have known beforehand that this might be my plight.  That I had time to prepare myself for that moment if it came.  I don't feel as fortunate as I've been made out to be. I assure you growing up with this knowledge did not make it easier to deal with.  A struggle is a struggle no matter at what point, or what moment it comes

March is endometriosis awareness month, I wrote a post about it last March, never even entertaining the thought that this March, I'd be sitting on my couch, heartburn raging, and 21 weeks pregnant. I am a success story. I am an endo warrior.  I look back on my journey and I know it isn't over, I will struggle and fight this disease my entire life, but in this moment, I have won.  I have beaten the odds, I have run up a steep hill that seemed impossible to overcome.

Throughout my pregnancy I have struggled with feelings of crippling guilt.  How is it that I was able to get pregnant, when others struggle, and have struggled longer?  Every story, about brave women still fighting the good fight, pierced me as I realized that I was now a cause of pain to them, and to those sweet couples who I know and those who I don't.  These were not emotions I expected to have in my pregnancy, but they were my constant battle.

I have recently come to the conclusion that we must embrace our battles. My battle for children began over 10 years ago.  I have fought every day, I have pushed through extreme pain, doubt, fear, treatments, tears, surgeries, and unwelcome comments.  My battle has been difficult, it was picked for me, because it was one I could handle (even though there were times I felt I couldn't). My baby is a miracle, my baby is to be celebrated, my baby is a beautiful reminder that I have fought the good fight, and I have kept the faith.

For those of you who still fight the good fight, who still struggle with the unknown.  Please know that you will always have my love, my ear, and my shoulder.  We are more than our battles.

In March we wear Yellow, for endometriosis, for those who will always be fighting, and those who have beaten the odds.










The Absent Blogger

I have always been one of those people who looks to the future, I always wanted to grow up, get married, be a teacher, and have a family.  These were my musts! Well, I've almost accomplished all of my musts! I can't believe that I am at this point in my life.  It's beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.  The moments I thought would never come have come and come beautifully.  I haven't blogged in awhile which is crazy, because I have passed a few of my greatest milestones while absent from the blog.  Crazy!

Let's talk about life- we must rewind back to April, I had just finished Student Teaching which was the most difficult time in my life. Phill lived in Logan, I was under incredible stress, and it was just not a wonderful time! I worked hard, and it paid off.  On the last day of my student teaching I signed a contract to work as a History teacher at Mount Ogden Junior High- 8th grade U.S. History, my dream job.  I couldn't believe it had happened so fast! Three weeks later I graduated from college! It was such a surreal day.  One that while growing up and actually attending WSU I never thought would come! I had such an amazing support system my entire way through and it was reflected by those who came and supported me that day. 
Shout out to a few of them: First of all my incredible parents- who sweetly and selflessly paid for me to get my education. I realize how rare this is and what a gift it truly was! I was able to enter my career debt free and I am so grateful to them for that! Not only did they support me financially, but mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I am so blessed to have such inspiring people to watch over me. 
Second, Phillip- he and I have been "together" since my first day of college, and even when he was on his mission he was always so supportive of me and my goals to graduate and become a teacher.  There were days when I was so stressed that I could barely function and he would get me through it.  I am blessed to have had him by my side throughout the whole experience. 
Third- my awesome family in all their forms! Thank you for all your love and support!

It was truly an amazing day! I loved being able to stand as the following questions were asked during commencement- "how many of you were married during your time here at WSU, how many of you worked full time or part time while here, how many of you double majored, completed a senior thesis, and how many of you are graduating with a job waiting for you." There was so much joy in having these questions encapsulate all I'd accomplished in a few short (seemingly endless)years.

Since that day I started my first teaching job at Mount Ogden Junior High it has been challenging, rewarding, joyful, stressful, and all the up and down emotions that are present in those hormone ridden teenagers I teach!

Life is good.