I am on the tail end of the parade of
grandchildren and I know there are thousands of memories filed away in each of
our heads, I wish we all had the opportunity to share them. I felt pressed to speak about grandma not as
she was in a time that I was too young to remember, but rather a time that
occupied the last twenty years of her life, a time of limitations, strength,
love, and amazing lessons. Grandma was
known for her service, I was young when she was diagnosed with a disease that
consumed most of her physical abilities.
However I do have memories of her kindness. I to this day have my Muffy Bear dressed in
the outfit she sewed for her, and I clearly remember the perfectly painted
clothing on her Disney princess dolls to make them modest, I still carry with
me a tremendous guilt for eating the insides of her freshly made bread, leaving
behind a warm crust shell, and sitting silently as she asked who had eaten the
insides…sorry Grandma that was me. I remember a sleep over in which I had
forgotten my Teddy bear, Megan 101, never forget the Bear! Crying in the back
room she brought me an armful of stuffed animals to comfort me. Grandma taught
me to serve, even in the small moments I remember of her being able to truly do
so the way she liked.
As we all grew older grandma changed, I
remember hand rails in the hallways of her house appearing, the walker in the
kitchen, and finally the wheel chair. I
remember her as she started to struggle to speak, this is the grandma I knew
best, and this is the grandma I loved the most. She always smiled when we came,
that was one thing she never lost. The
master of the facial expression. Grandma had the ability to communicate so much
without saying a word. A few of my favorite expressions were: the disappointed
you are making me eat dinner before dessert face, the you're not leaving so
soon face, the sarcastic eye roll when she knows you're teasing or she's had
enough of your sass face. The give me that
frosty right now face, the stares of total love and sweetness, the bright eyes
when you told her something exciting, the open mouth with big eyes when the
news was extra special! Grandma taught me that words aren't always necessary.
The way we were able to communicate with
grandma was far greater than any actual conversation to me, her ability to
convey emotion through her facial expressions and spirit mean more to me than
any long conversation we might have had.
The memories I have of grandma is not a list
of physical limitation, missed outings, or lack of discussion, but rather the
privilege of sensing her spirit, where words ceased her spirit worked overtime
to radiate warmth, love, and humor. Grandma lived a life of service, her
physical body made most of those common acts of service out of her ability,
however, one of the greatest acts of service she ever gave was to allow me, and
so many others to serve her. As a woman
who was rarely served herself, I can imagine how trying it must have been for
her to allow a seemingly endless sea of caregivers to take care of her and
serve her. Grandma taught me to be servable.
Grandma's words when spoken were worth the
struggle it took her to speak, One Sunday night when we were having a slumber
party as I liked to call them, she gave me a beautiful piece of wisdom to
ponder, I had moved her to the couch to sit with me, we'd made brownies, and
we'd watched a girly movie. I put her to
bed with some effort, I had run my first half-marathon the day before and I
could barely move. About an hour later,
I hear her moving in her room, I cringed as I stood with my sore muscles and I
entered her room. And there I find
grandma on the floor at the foot of the bed, her you caught me facial
expression beaming up at me, “what are you doing I asked!?” I have so much to do, it's time to get going! She
replied. I chuckled and said it's one in
the morning, no one has anything to do! We laughed, and I told her we'd have to
wait for my dad to come get her off the floor because my muscles were too sore
from the race. She looked at me sternly, and said, "Why do you run, when
you can't even walk?" This phrase has stayed with me ever since, what
lessons could I learn from this philosophical question, I have thought it many
time as I felt overwhelmed or felt that I wasn't doing enough, when feelings of
inadequacy floated into my brain...why am I running, if I can’t even walk? Patience
will bring progress, Grandma taught me patience. Not only patience with others,
but patience with myself.
Patience with yourself and others, service and
being servable, these are all great traits, but they do not come easy...Grandma
taught me that too, as she struggled through this mortal existence with such a
frustrating disease grandma handled each moment, each phase, and each day with
grace, humor, and realism. To make it through this life we must be willing to
handle trials with grace, to ward off negativity and sadness with humor in our
situation, and to embrace our reality as a part of God's greater plan. Grandma taught me this, and I will push
forward always thinking of her grace, humor, and realism to overcome each trial
I face.
There are a flood of emotions as we enter new
phases in our life, a life without grandma’s wit and wisdom readily present,
but I will always remember her grace and her spirit that gave me strength when
life was too much. I am grateful for the lessons and for the beautiful ride. We
love you and we will miss you
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