Embrace Your Battle

  In November of 2014, I sat in my small, confining bathroom, four walls, and a throne of waiting...One, one thousand, two, one thousand...179, one thousand, 180, one thousand....3 minutes, closed eyes, shaking, I took a breath, and I looked. Pregnant.

Closed my eyes again, shaking more vigorously, opened them again, looked. Pregnant. How? How was this possible?! I mean I know "how" I took human development, but seriously how in that moment was I so infinitely blessed?! To me, some people's nightmare was my greatest and most far reaching dream.  Pregnant?! I couldn't be.


My thoughts of denial have nothing to do with my fear of becoming a mother, those fears came later, but rather with my fear of never becoming a mother which has been in the forefront of my mind since I was 15.  Most women don't grow up thinking they will deal with infertility.  Most women get that shock later, after months, and years of heart wrenching struggle.  I received this news when I was in Junior High, that I might struggle with infertility, and the ability to become a mother.  I have been told that I am lucky, to have known beforehand that this might be my plight.  That I had time to prepare myself for that moment if it came.  I don't feel as fortunate as I've been made out to be. I assure you growing up with this knowledge did not make it easier to deal with.  A struggle is a struggle no matter at what point, or what moment it comes

March is endometriosis awareness month, I wrote a post about it last March, never even entertaining the thought that this March, I'd be sitting on my couch, heartburn raging, and 21 weeks pregnant. I am a success story. I am an endo warrior.  I look back on my journey and I know it isn't over, I will struggle and fight this disease my entire life, but in this moment, I have won.  I have beaten the odds, I have run up a steep hill that seemed impossible to overcome.

Throughout my pregnancy I have struggled with feelings of crippling guilt.  How is it that I was able to get pregnant, when others struggle, and have struggled longer?  Every story, about brave women still fighting the good fight, pierced me as I realized that I was now a cause of pain to them, and to those sweet couples who I know and those who I don't.  These were not emotions I expected to have in my pregnancy, but they were my constant battle.

I have recently come to the conclusion that we must embrace our battles. My battle for children began over 10 years ago.  I have fought every day, I have pushed through extreme pain, doubt, fear, treatments, tears, surgeries, and unwelcome comments.  My battle has been difficult, it was picked for me, because it was one I could handle (even though there were times I felt I couldn't). My baby is a miracle, my baby is to be celebrated, my baby is a beautiful reminder that I have fought the good fight, and I have kept the faith.

For those of you who still fight the good fight, who still struggle with the unknown.  Please know that you will always have my love, my ear, and my shoulder.  We are more than our battles.

In March we wear Yellow, for endometriosis, for those who will always be fighting, and those who have beaten the odds.