Embrace Your Battle

  In November of 2014, I sat in my small, confining bathroom, four walls, and a throne of waiting...One, one thousand, two, one thousand...179, one thousand, 180, one thousand....3 minutes, closed eyes, shaking, I took a breath, and I looked. Pregnant.

Closed my eyes again, shaking more vigorously, opened them again, looked. Pregnant. How? How was this possible?! I mean I know "how" I took human development, but seriously how in that moment was I so infinitely blessed?! To me, some people's nightmare was my greatest and most far reaching dream.  Pregnant?! I couldn't be.


My thoughts of denial have nothing to do with my fear of becoming a mother, those fears came later, but rather with my fear of never becoming a mother which has been in the forefront of my mind since I was 15.  Most women don't grow up thinking they will deal with infertility.  Most women get that shock later, after months, and years of heart wrenching struggle.  I received this news when I was in Junior High, that I might struggle with infertility, and the ability to become a mother.  I have been told that I am lucky, to have known beforehand that this might be my plight.  That I had time to prepare myself for that moment if it came.  I don't feel as fortunate as I've been made out to be. I assure you growing up with this knowledge did not make it easier to deal with.  A struggle is a struggle no matter at what point, or what moment it comes

March is endometriosis awareness month, I wrote a post about it last March, never even entertaining the thought that this March, I'd be sitting on my couch, heartburn raging, and 21 weeks pregnant. I am a success story. I am an endo warrior.  I look back on my journey and I know it isn't over, I will struggle and fight this disease my entire life, but in this moment, I have won.  I have beaten the odds, I have run up a steep hill that seemed impossible to overcome.

Throughout my pregnancy I have struggled with feelings of crippling guilt.  How is it that I was able to get pregnant, when others struggle, and have struggled longer?  Every story, about brave women still fighting the good fight, pierced me as I realized that I was now a cause of pain to them, and to those sweet couples who I know and those who I don't.  These were not emotions I expected to have in my pregnancy, but they were my constant battle.

I have recently come to the conclusion that we must embrace our battles. My battle for children began over 10 years ago.  I have fought every day, I have pushed through extreme pain, doubt, fear, treatments, tears, surgeries, and unwelcome comments.  My battle has been difficult, it was picked for me, because it was one I could handle (even though there were times I felt I couldn't). My baby is a miracle, my baby is to be celebrated, my baby is a beautiful reminder that I have fought the good fight, and I have kept the faith.

For those of you who still fight the good fight, who still struggle with the unknown.  Please know that you will always have my love, my ear, and my shoulder.  We are more than our battles.

In March we wear Yellow, for endometriosis, for those who will always be fighting, and those who have beaten the odds.

The Absent Blogger

I have always been one of those people who looks to the future, I always wanted to grow up, get married, be a teacher, and have a family.  These were my musts! Well, I've almost accomplished all of my musts! I can't believe that I am at this point in my life.  It's beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.  The moments I thought would never come have come and come beautifully.  I haven't blogged in awhile which is crazy, because I have passed a few of my greatest milestones while absent from the blog.  Crazy!

Let's talk about life- we must rewind back to April, I had just finished Student Teaching which was the most difficult time in my life. Phill lived in Logan, I was under incredible stress, and it was just not a wonderful time! I worked hard, and it paid off.  On the last day of my student teaching I signed a contract to work as a History teacher at Mount Ogden Junior High- 8th grade U.S. History, my dream job.  I couldn't believe it had happened so fast! Three weeks later I graduated from college! It was such a surreal day.  One that while growing up and actually attending WSU I never thought would come! I had such an amazing support system my entire way through and it was reflected by those who came and supported me that day. 

Shout out to a few of them: First of all my incredible parents- who sweetly and selflessly paid for me to get my education. I realize how rare this is and what a gift it truly was! I was able to enter my career debt free and I am so grateful to them for that! Not only did they support me financially, but mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I am so blessed to have such inspiring people to watch over me. 

Second, Phillip- he and I have been "together" since my first day of college, and even when he was on his mission he was always so supportive of me and my goals to graduate and become a teacher.  There were days when I was so stressed that I could barely function and he would get me through it.  I am blessed to have had him by my side throughout the whole experience. 

Third- my awesome family in all their forms! Thank you for all your love and support!

It was truly an amazing day! I loved being able to stand as the following questions were asked during commencement- "how many of you were married during your time here at WSU, how many of you worked full time or part time while here, how many of you double majored, completed a senior thesis, and how many of you are graduating with a job waiting for you." There was so much joy in having these questions encapsulate all I'd accomplished in a few short (seemingly endless)years.

Since that day I started my first teaching job at Mount Ogden Junior High it has been challenging, rewarding, joyful, stressful, and all the up and down emotions that are present in those hormone ridden teenagers I teach!

Life is good.